reflection...

2011-04-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

what is this life,,,it makes us soo vulnerable and absolutely powerless in front of it..how can one work hard and do so many things...plan plan and plan and then carefully as if handling a glass statue execute the plan, only to have the destiny make its own plan and execute it in the diametrically opposite way??!...Its easy to say, take life as it comes, do your best god will see to the rest,,,but you know the magnitude of pain..of failure ..of anger..of frustration only when you do work so hard and it doesn materialize..what is this thats happening?? why are we soo helpless??

As i scream all these things to the nobody around me, i get a pin-drop,,actually a scary morbid silence as the reply. Certain things are just beyond us..it sounds so spineless to say things like this..but its true..the stark dirty truth...its just not in your hands.

But the beauty is, inspite of thrashed dreams, broken hearts, shattered lives, painful transition of alive days and moments to miserable memories...there is always a new life waiting.

Given a chance, many of us would love to wallow in the pity and misery and go into non-existence...but we dont, coz we dont have a choice in that too...we are forced to take the new life that is waiting round the corner,,just like a forceful dosage of medicine or an uninvited guest who has taken complete hostage over our current home..our current life.

And life evolves once again...from the fall season to bloom...taking us through...phases of initial frustrated denial..to slowly reluctant submission to miserable guilt trips for submitting ..to exasperated forceful acceptance of the changes to finally accepting the defeat -the new life-and the hope (which we swore to ourselves that we will never have after a certain incident)

Things like this..wash us out..baffle us...break us..torment us..scare us..but weirdly also shape us..

and thts why it is said -'life as we know it!'

ps: dedicated to YOU!

2011-02-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

there was once a girl..chirpy ...flitting merrily around unaware of what or how her life will take a turn. She was happy with who she was or whatever she thought she was..It was then one day..she met a person .. a person who takes the same crash course as her. She dint kno why,,but she resisted getting to know this person..but she knew enough that there was something about that other person..that intrigued her . Considering her personality..she was able to dodge getting to know this other person. But destiny had a different plan, and in a span of one year..they were thrown back to the same classes. Feeling out of place..and torn between whom to be with...this girl chose the mysterious person over the other faces that seemed to lose form like a paint drop dissolving in water. There was an awkward moment,,,but that was the oly moment that was awkward between them ever since. Days flew...and she opened up more more..much more..that she realsied one day that...earlier before her encounter with this person...she just dint know who she was. She was viewed as a gift package..and she assumed that that was who she was. It dawned to her that no matter how beautiful the wrapper looked..it is meant to be unwrapped ..let the world and herself see who she really was. And so unfolded a life together..a life filled with laughter,,insecurities..endless talks..deepest secrets...obviously fights..withdrawing sprees...but at the end..it was a life together. They being poles apart..admired each other..loved each other ..and were always patient with each others tantrums( tho it was predominant only one way ;))..They became an integral part of each others lives. The girl was lost in her dreamworld..a world filled with this mysterious person and all those who was introduced to her by that source. With evry new additional person...their love for each other grew instead of dwindling. It was ironic how you think you cant love a person more..but u shock yourself the very next day. They adorned a dream together,,,a dream which they soo fervently hoped would work..and whether the dream worked or not...it sure brought them closer...they discussed wackiest of topics..did craziest of things,,,cried together almost over evrything and nothing...

And now..one of them..is moving forward..taking a huge leap into the real world..the real world which our dreamy girl totally can not relate to...After a years of being together in messier situations..its the first time..these two have to be in different phases different places with different situations 'together'. Though insecurity washes either of them in its own way...though doubts swallow them ...they know that..things change..dreams change..but they are still 'them'

ps: to mahima..for us :)

2010-06-26T08:48:00.001-07:00

i wanna belong...to you!!

'push theory'

2010-03-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

Well, Its been two and half years now, and I have realized that these years, I have been cranky, pissed off, lonely(most of the times),desperate and maybe occasionally naughty n excited. But I cant recollect a single instance where i have felt the 'happiness' which I was soo accustomed to once.
Actually, the thought about the movie -"The Eternal sunshine on the spotless mind" made me think in these lines. I remember accusing the act in which Kate Winslet indulges. She goes to get all the memories attached to the love of her life "deleted" medically. I used to wonder how someone can ever do that. I mean, even if a relationship doesn work, it definitely doesn lose the value it had for the person. I almost used to be defensive then...
Now on after thoughts, I realised I am a kind of person who can live a lifetime with an emotion that i feel strong about. Soo intense that , i even dont need the other person to add fuel to the relationship, I can stay dedicated all my life single-handedly. It wasn long, before I realised that it isn exactly a healthy trait. I have got soo used to the illusion of having the person around, that i end up living a life with just the memories. I relate evry animate and inanimate things to them, have conversations with them in mind, and retaliate my own statements by lines which I know they will say , if they had a chance to hear what I had to say. So thus unfolds my little world, cut off from evry othr thing, comprising of me and just the other person..its soo magical, perfect and intimate that extricating myself from that world and relating to my personality otherwise becomes almost impossible...
Its at this juncture , that i decided to come with my push theory. I decided that, one day when I am shaken out of this "perfect world " of mine and made to face the perfectly imperfect world of others, I might not exactly have the strength to stomach it. So i decided I have to prepare myslf for that day..when I am not left shattered coz ths life that i led on my own way, with my own self, is nothing but a mirage... So in this theory, I am training my mind to think faster than my mind. I know it wont make sense to all..but what i am essentially tryin to do is, predict where all the mind will link or relate to that particular person or incident, and before the relation happens, i mentally push that thought that away. It might sound bizarre, but it might work. Its hard, it seems impossible because one has been soo accustomed to be a slave of the mind, that suddenly when you choose to reverse roles, it seems so baffling. Its only after consciously taking an effort to face the most difficult thoughts of mine, that i realize that almost everything I do or say or think or pray or type is linked to just that one person or thought. This is what they mean by the word zahir i think. The 'one thing' with which you cant afford to 'not notice'..its overwhelming presence almost chokes your life! !!!..
...Sighh........

PS: I just realized through the whole of my entry, where I wanted to emphasize on my power over my mind, i ended up getting dissolved in the thoughts about my zahir! :|
..i guess I might be successful 'pushing the thoughts' but forgetting something you feel soo intutively is a different story altogether!

random

2010-02-25T06:39:00.000-08:00

..There i go, after a reallly loong time!! As always i dont kno wat i am going to write or made me want to write....offlate, I am just feeling a bit,out of place. Its like, i have had a jolt and i am out of my proper shape,,,i dont fit the jigsaw puzzle perfectly! What is it that has made me into this?

I make frantic calls to frns, oly for realising the next minute that i really dont have anything to talk to them....
I seem soo vibrant and active in everything i do, yet i am not involved in it at all...
...I seem to search for a particular face or voice in someone else's...and i get disappointed when i fail..
sometimes there are soo many voices in my head asking me to do two contradictory things at the same time and sometimes they are soo silent, that i feel i am a vegetable..
There is this constant gnawing factor that's slowing eating me up, not allowing me to undo redo or move on with things,,,its like a plastic ball immersed in water,,,it keeps surfacing up,,,
Its like I want to make a connection to that someone out in the oblivion...madly trying to reach out to them..waving hands at them...wanting to get hold of them and never let them go...
the pangs of furstration at oneself..the stab of betrayal one feels when they know that its not in their power to get hold of that one thing..that excruciating sense of failure when one cant get grab the desire,,,i feel it all! totally!
....Its the disappointment that one feels when they are not able to show the people who smirked at them for their dreams, throw the reality on their face and tell them...'ha, you see i win!!'...in spite of winning...thats the madness i undergo.
this random thought/thoughts, what are they!?!?!...
They make me smile, they make sigh, they make me dream, they cause pain, they make me feel like a loser, they make me cry,,,,,they make ME!

If not for this randomness, i might have never known the hidden part of me, all my life!

Abba echoed the thoughts of my best friend...

2010-02-14T03:39:00.000-08:00

Chiquitita lyrics
Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong
You're enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down
And your love's a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

I love you mahima:) you are the best that has ever happened to me:):)

2008-10-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

knock!!knock!!
'who is it'? i murmured, as i heard a tap on my door
'let me in' replied a he voice
'but why should i?'i questioned not recognising him
he calmly replied-'to complete yourself'
totally bewildered i mumbled-'sorry, i dont get you'
after a meditated pause he spoke---
...'i once saw a lass , walking by the shore,
looking longingly at the deep blue sea,
holding hands with teh air that whistled past her,,
singing slowly and passionately forher man in tmrw's dreams..
that very instant i found a part of me that had been missin
..for ten odd years,,,and here i come to claim it'
as he continued his heart's ballad , i felt a queer feelin of someone taking hostages..
a feeling i had linged for but nvr felt before..
my cheks flushed..
tears struggled to convey the unspoken dreams..that second i created an intimate bond with the stranger...
closed my eyes...followed my thought...
opened my heart's door..and whispered
come in!!!

2008-03-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

...as i see my two yr old cousin toddling towards me with his ever naughty smile...dimple popping on either sides,,,stretching out his hands i sat over-awed reflecting....what makes a kid soooo wonderful??..children are the most enchanting creation...the very sight of a child makes your woes vaporize...u sub-consciously end up smiling ...how wonderful it would be to be a kid once again....what is the thought process in a kid's mind?...does he yearn to swing in the clouds and play foot ball with the moon?...why is it that he hates to take bath yet love to get wet in the rain?....how does he manage to consume so much of your energy and time...yet make you go gaga about him??...how i wish i could stealthily creep into a kid's mind and see this world from his eyes!!....after these random thoughts..i got on with my work...usual college tests and stuff when i heard one of my friends mentioning that it is lovely to be in love!!<...sshhh;)> i was just listening to it with a puzzled cum amused smile....that made me get back to my thoughts...for anybody who is yearning to be a kid again...it is as if god grants him his earnest request and sends the alter ego called the love....as this stranger sways into your life...that minute you are re-born as new leaf...its like you get back your childhood days...you give your mom sudden hugs...u get up and dance to every song you hear...u keep giggling for everything without rhyme or reason...you start loving chocolates...rain..trees....hill-tops ...moon....all those whom you considered as your best pals when you were a toddler...you cry when you are happy and sad..evryone around you seems to be wonderful...you are ever ready with a smile...you essentially spend your time just day-dreaming....you just re-live your childhood!!!!...phew!!....there is so much of simplicity in this complex feeling...it is just awesome!

2008-02-17T05:33:00.000-08:00

...what is the connection between darkness...comfortable silence....ama's touch....sudden hug....understanding smile...twilight...a "i miss u" msg.....a soul stirring music...!??!! why does any of these bring abrupt tears in my eyes!?!...what is the emotion i undergo during these instances...am i happy?..am i depressed??..am i random..???? what!!??... what is my soul trying to convey with that tiny drop of water??...how i wish i could hear the silent words of my soul !!...sighhhhhhh!!

2008-01-20T06:40:00.000-08:00

.....hmmm....i don't exactly know what i am going to pour out in this post...i am not in a state of mind wherein i am just clueless as to what to express...whereas i am in such a state where there are sooo many pent up feelings...soo many bottled up feelings that are cramming my mind so much so that i don't know which to quote first...which should follow it and so on....though i am anything but pepped up...i am still amused by the power of mind......realised that however open you are as a person from outside...one's mind is very very secretive ...he refuses to share what he is cooking sometimes even to the soul he belongs to...this really fascinates me...as in...i dint realise i have been soo down in dumps inside...that one trivial incident makes you soo touchy that you try to flush all the woes out of your system @ one go ....it looks as if.....either..there is a dearth of tears that you wait for a handful of depressing things to happen and shed few drops of tears for all those at a stretch...or...one's pre-calculative mind seems to store its only mode of communication for the "future woes";):p...whatever be it...no matter how confused a person we are...our inner mind has crystal clear vision...sees and foresees things....angst arises only when the heart finds it hard to take the bitter dosage the mind injects!!.....recently i found another thought puzzling.....when someone used to pose me a question till recently as to "what is it in the entire world that will hurt you the most.???"..me being someone with rigid principles would have said blindly "anyone who breaks my trust!!!"...but on after thoughts...i realised..when does one say..someone broke your trust???..only when you depend on them with your heart and soul and they dint prove worthy of it?!!!....,..and if the person you depend on is absolutely lovely and worth it....you must be rejoiced and stress-free...should'nt you??!!??....but sadly that does'nt happen most of the times...or atleast with ppl who see from my eyes...i find dependency itself being a stressful thing...when they don't reciprocate...you feel let down...and when they do...you feel obligated or vulnerable so much so that you forget being practical and refuse to think of a life which mite exist when you part ways....that blind love becomes!!!...sighhhhh....trust and dependency are a beautiful paradox by themselves!!!........sigggghhhhhhhh!!!...but you know what steals the show??!!???....the mind that thinks so much..analyzes so much....sees with so much of foresight and one that is so very overwhelmingly powerful....loses miserably and pathetically in front of the heart.....which will keep on and on loving and expecting only love in return!!!

2008-01-11T21:34:00.000-08:00

one of my works when the thoughts about my previous posts were running in my mind....."growing out"........god i wish such a thing never existed!!!!!!!

......CRUSHed heart...
alongside the lake, I stood, deeply lost..
For it was the day I had awaited the most
eyes constantly restless..
Waiting for my guy nevertheless..
What was he going to say?
The wait seemed never ending..
The sweet pain all the more burdening..
A tingling feeling through my vein..
As I see him finally walking through the main..
Gosh! Just for the twinkle of his eyes.. I would give this world any price..
Mixture of emotions gushing..
I could not stop myself from blushing..
I looked into his eyes with expectation..
To see whether there is any reciprocation..
Love, I did find,…
Seeing which tears welled making me almost blind..
For the love was not meant to be mine…
A chill feeling down my spine…
His words became glass splinters ..
And tore my soul apart into tatters..
Though inside I was dead…
Seeing the happiness in his eyes, I tried to heal my heart that bled..
Though I found any excuse to live, lame..
Dint know whom to blame
i decided to move on catching hold of my courage..
For I realized that my love was just a MIRAGE!!!!!..............

...................and hence it is called a "crush"!!!!!

2008-01-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

...as one day i was talkin to a friend of mine....my thoughts just drifted......i realised how difficult it is to forget things...get over things...see the dreams which we have adorned our lives with crubble to nothin in the front of our very eyes...by telling to someone else..you might just feel a bit comfortable..but it is u who has to give yourself a push and move on...people around you who care for you shower you with all the ideas they think can help you to come out...and as a dutiful person i tried it out...some say...hey..just dont think about it...as if it as easy as sipping a cup of tea...but there it goes..i tried that...but realised by pushing your thoughts..they accumulate and one day it becomes a saturation point..and there you crash down completely...another said....it is all meant for the good...don bother ...just receive it smile....i mean...give me a break!!...it is something you have dreamt of...it is something you have related yourself with..and when it ceases to exist...it actually takes you qite some time to actually sometime to come to terms with it...and now people who have been with you and felt it as beautiful as evr..now say..it was never meant to be that way...doesn it sound ridiculous!!>...i just cant understand how can people change their mindsets..just like that...when they say they do it themselves...i guess there are 3 possibilities...1) they are being unbelievable...2) or they are just in vain trying to console....3)..they are simply lying through their teeth!!!....i then realised...as grateful i am to those who were desperate in sharing my woes...there is little what they can do about that...as ma best Friend says...."its a process...allow urslf to go through it:p"....i guess that is the best thing...i guess relationships are the only things that can rip your soul apart yet make you feel absolutely beautiful!!!....sighhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

.....something unique!!!

2008-01-08T07:50:00.000-08:00

...it is not often you meet people with whom u can vibe leave alone feel completely "yourself" with....most of us tag certain people as our best pals...but have you ever wondered whether the so called pals of urs really relate to you??...here by relate i mean..literally...not what you will call "understanding"...understanding according to me..is just a finer way of saying "putting up with!!"...a person who understands you might probably be one who loves you dearly and is craving to step into your shoes and see things from your perspective....but it is not all that easy...after all..everyone has his or her own defined thinking and unless they feel it deep down...you really cant make them see it...but whereas...when a person says he sees eye to eye with...or in other word relates to u...that feeling is somehow unparalleled....its not often we run into people...and when u really do one day...u feel at the top of the world...you feel like...calling all those people who mock at your views...blink when u think you are telling them something ingenious...and showing..."haa...see here is a person who is my alter ego!!!"...such feelings cant really be expressed..one has to go through it...sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
....

2008-01-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

the oneness...
as i hear the trees rustling,
i am reminded of how mischievously you whisper in my ears..
as i look at the endless sky,
i am reminded of the unconditional love that pours out of ur eyes..
as the grass blades tickle my toes..
i am reminded of my shyness when i first saw u..
as i see the rain pouring outside..
i feel they are just tiny drops in front of the tears u have shed for me..
as i feel the texture of the red rose..
i feel the warmth of ur gentle palms..
what is this kind of comparison..??
is it coz nature is so beautiful that one is bound to bring about comparison??
or is it because i am in love??
i guess,it is because ur nature taught me how to love...
n luv in turn taught me to feel the oneness with nature......

ps:......one of ma own works...during a reallllllllllly boring emf class!!!!...yawn!!!!!!!!

2008-01-03T07:14:00.001-08:00

....and this is precisely what i do when someone asks how lovely my best friend is!!!!....

2008-01-02T05:40:00.000-08:00

...as i was taking a stroll in my terrace...i happened to glance at the the vast sky yawing above me...tiny twinkly stars sprinkling here and there.with the ever beautiful moon adorning it...tears welled in my eyes...in spite of the beauty of nature..i was pushed to a point where insecurity took hostages...thoughts and memories started playing hide and seek in my mind..making me feel more and more vulnerable...words choking at my throat..felt like breaking the ever rigid shell of mine and voice my mind..in vain...all these were a new experience all together..i guess i am still a tyro..i just dint know how to handle myself...go tired of people telling me that i am difficult..it is almost impossible to handle me or understand..my longingness increased by ten folds...due to certain changes that took place some time back i felt as if i was pushed in a maze...where i had no clue as to where i was..where i am heading...thoughts like have i done a mistake by trusting everyone i knew...as the quote says.."think a million times before giving your heart to someone..coz not only do the have the right to love you..but also the power to break your heart.."...i felt a vacuum deep down inside me...dint know why or because of who...i felt miserable for one minute when i thought about people i trust and contemplating whether they are worth it..and the next minute guilty for feeling soo..as i felt the angst...as i cried to myself... i got a call...with shaky voice i attend my friends call...she says.."hey..are you ok?..i just felt u were'nt..."...there...all my insecurities ..sorrows...pain...vanish into the thin air..tears struggle their way down ma face...this time not because i feel left out or lonely...but partly because i am overwhelmed by the love in her voice and partly because i have been such a fool to have felt lonely when i have her around...true sometimes we feel as if people have taken advantage of us..but that never should make us see others with doubtful eyes...world is full of lovely people(,,,tho noone can be as lovely as my best frnd!!:P)...soo lets not waste our precious time lamenting and worrying....just love everyone with your heart and soul...happiness will crave to be with you!!!

err...huh!!??!!

2008-01-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

hey...why dont u start bloggin????...i have been asked this question so many times that...i thought...why not i strt blogging..n there i go..after three miserable atempts of trying to create a profile and forgetting the id..i finally managed to "begin" ma blog....feelin very proud...i was like...here i go.........."_________"....thats it...i am blank..i realised..creating a profile alone is not what that matters..i ll hav to say something..start something..share something...n was like "wat on earth???"...i just went blank...i got confused as to how to begin..leave alone what to begin or how to begin...then i thought..why not i post ma "blankness" itself as ma first post...soo here i go...guess it ll take some time for me to come out of the shell n share ma veiws....phew!!!!