i wanna belong...to you!!

'push theory'

Well, Its been two and half years now, and I have realized that these years, I have been cranky, pissed off, lonely(most of the times),desperate and maybe occasionally naughty n excited. But I cant recollect a single instance where i have felt the 'happiness' which I was soo accustomed to once.
Actually, the thought about the movie -"The Eternal sunshine on the spotless mind" made me think in these lines. I remember accusing the act in which Kate Winslet indulges. She goes to get all the memories attached to the love of her life "deleted" medically. I used to wonder how someone can ever do that. I mean, even if a relationship doesn work, it definitely doesn lose the value it had for the person. I almost used to be defensive then...
Now on after thoughts, I realised I am a kind of person who can live a lifetime with an emotion that i feel strong about. Soo intense that , i even dont need the other person to add fuel to the relationship, I can stay dedicated all my life single-handedly. It wasn long, before I realised that it isn exactly a healthy trait. I have got soo used to the illusion of having the person around, that i end up living a life with just the memories. I relate evry animate and inanimate things to them, have conversations with them in mind, and retaliate my own statements by lines which I know they will say , if they had a chance to hear what I had to say. So thus unfolds my little world, cut off from evry othr thing, comprising of me and just the other person..its soo magical, perfect and intimate that extricating myself from that world and relating to my personality otherwise becomes almost impossible...
Its at this juncture , that i decided to come with my push theory. I decided that, one day when I am shaken out of this "perfect world " of mine and made to face the perfectly imperfect world of others, I might not exactly have the strength to stomach it. So i decided I have to prepare myslf for that day..when I am not left shattered coz ths life that i led on my own way, with my own self, is nothing but a mirage... So in this theory, I am training my mind to think faster than my mind. I know it wont make sense to all..but what i am essentially tryin to do is, predict where all the mind will link or relate to that particular person or incident, and before the relation happens, i mentally push that thought that away. It might sound bizarre, but it might work. Its hard, it seems impossible because one has been soo accustomed to be a slave of the mind, that suddenly when you choose to reverse roles, it seems so baffling. Its only after consciously taking an effort to face the most difficult thoughts of mine, that i realize that almost everything I do or say or think or pray or type is linked to just that one person or thought. This is what they mean by the word zahir i think. The 'one thing' with which you cant afford to 'not notice'..its overwhelming presence almost chokes your life! !!!..
...Sighh........



PS: I just realized through the whole of my entry, where I wanted to emphasize on my power over my mind, i ended up getting dissolved in the thoughts about my zahir! :|
..i guess I might be successful 'pushing the thoughts' but forgetting something you feel soo intutively is a different story altogether!

random

..There i go, after a reallly loong time!! As always i dont kno wat i am going to write or made me want to write....offlate, I am just feeling a bit,out of place. Its like, i have had a jolt and i am out of my proper shape,,,i dont fit the jigsaw puzzle perfectly! What is it that has made me into this?

I make frantic calls to frns, oly for realising the next minute that i really dont have anything to talk to them....
I seem soo vibrant and active in everything i do, yet i am not involved in it at all...
...I seem to search for a particular face or voice in someone else's...and i get disappointed when i fail..
sometimes there are soo many voices in my head asking me to do two contradictory things at the same time and sometimes they are soo silent, that i feel i am a vegetable..
There is this constant gnawing factor that's slowing eating me up, not allowing me to undo redo or move on with things,,,its like a plastic ball immersed in water,,,it keeps surfacing up,,,
Its like I want to make a connection to that someone out in the oblivion...madly trying to reach out to them..waving hands at them...wanting to get hold of them and never let them go...
the pangs of furstration at oneself..the stab of betrayal one feels when they know that its not in their power to get hold of that one thing..that excruciating sense of failure when one cant get grab the desire,,,i feel it all! totally!
....Its the disappointment that one feels when they are not able to show the people who smirked at them for their dreams, throw the reality on their face and tell them...'ha, you see i win!!'...in spite of winning...thats the madness i undergo.
this random thought/thoughts, what are they!?!?!...
They make me smile, they make sigh, they make me dream, they cause pain, they make me feel like a loser, they make me cry,,,,,they make ME!

If not for this randomness, i might have never known the hidden part of me, all my life!

Abba echoed the thoughts of my best friend...

Chiquitita lyrics
Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong
You're enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down
And your love's a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita



I love you mahima:) you are the best that has ever happened to me:):)