.....hmmm....i don't exactly know what i am going to pour out in this post...i am not in a state of mind wherein i am just clueless as to what to express...whereas i am in such a state where there are sooo many pent up feelings...soo many bottled up feelings that are cramming my mind so much so that i don't know which to quote first...which should follow it and so on....though i am anything but pepped up...i am still amused by the power of mind......realised that however open you are as a person from outside...one's mind is very very secretive ...he refuses to share what he is cooking sometimes even to the soul he belongs to...this really fascinates me...as in...i dint realise i have been soo down in dumps inside...that one trivial incident makes you soo touchy that you try to flush all the woes out of your system @ one go ....it looks as if.....either..there is a dearth of tears that you wait for a handful of depressing things to happen and shed few drops of tears for all those at a stretch...or...one's pre-calculative mind seems to store its only mode of communication for the "future woes";):p...whatever be it...no matter how confused a person we are...our inner mind has crystal clear vision...sees and foresees things....angst arises only when the heart finds it hard to take the bitter dosage the mind injects!!.....recently i found another thought puzzling.....when someone used to pose me a question till recently as to "what is it in the entire world that will hurt you the most.???"..me being someone with rigid principles would have said blindly "anyone who breaks my trust!!!"...but on after thoughts...i realised..when does one say..someone broke your trust???..only when you depend on them with your heart and soul and they dint prove worthy of it?!!!....,..and if the person you depend on is absolutely lovely and worth it....you must be rejoiced and stress-free...should'nt you??!!??....but sadly that does'nt happen most of the times...or atleast with ppl who see from my eyes...i find dependency itself being a stressful thing...when they don't reciprocate...you feel let down...and when they do...you feel obligated or vulnerable so much so that you forget being practical and refuse to think of a life which mite exist when you part ways....that blind love becomes!!!...sighhhhh....trust and dependency are a beautiful paradox by themselves!!!........sigggghhhhhhhh!!!...but you know what steals the show??!!???....the mind that thinks so much..analyzes so much....sees with so much of foresight and one that is so very overwhelmingly powerful....loses miserably and pathetically in front of the heart.....which will keep on and on loving and expecting only love in return!!!

one of my works when the thoughts about my previous posts were running in my mind....."growing out"........god i wish such a thing never existed!!!!!!!


......CRUSHed heart...
alongside the lake, I stood, deeply lost..
For it was the day I had awaited the most
eyes constantly restless..
Waiting for my guy nevertheless..
What was he going to say?
The wait seemed never ending..
The sweet pain all the more burdening..
A tingling feeling through my vein..
As I see him finally walking through the main..
Gosh! Just for the twinkle of his eyes.. I would give this world any price..
Mixture of emotions gushing..
I could not stop myself from blushing..
I looked into his eyes with expectation..
To see whether there is any reciprocation..
Love, I did find,…
Seeing which tears welled making me almost blind..
For the love was not meant to be mine…
A chill feeling down my spine…
His words became glass splinters ..
And tore my soul apart into tatters..
Though inside I was dead…
Seeing the happiness in his eyes, I tried to heal my heart that bled..
Though I found any excuse to live, lame..
Dint know whom to blame
i decided to move on catching hold of my courage..
For I realized that my love was just a MIRAGE!!!!!..............

...................and hence it is called a "crush"!!!!!

...as one day i was talkin to a friend of mine....my thoughts just drifted......i realised how difficult it is to forget things...get over things...see the dreams which we have adorned our lives with crubble to nothin in the front of our very eyes...by telling to someone else..you might just feel a bit comfortable..but it is u who has to give yourself a push and move on...people around you who care for you shower you with all the ideas they think can help you to come out...and as a dutiful person i tried it out...some say...hey..just dont think about it...as if it as easy as sipping a cup of tea...but there it goes..i tried that...but realised by pushing your thoughts..they accumulate and one day it becomes a saturation point..and there you crash down completely...another said....it is all meant for the good...don bother ...just receive it smile....i mean...give me a break!!...it is something you have dreamt of...it is something you have related yourself with..and when it ceases to exist...it actually takes you qite some time to actually sometime to come to terms with it...and now people who have been with you and felt it as beautiful as evr..now say..it was never meant to be that way...doesn it sound ridiculous!!>...i just cant understand how can people change their mindsets..just like that...when they say they do it themselves...i guess there are 3 possibilities...1) they are being unbelievable...2) or they are just in vain trying to console....3)..they are simply lying through their teeth!!!....i then realised...as grateful i am to those who were desperate in sharing my woes...there is little what they can do about that...as ma best Friend says...."its a process...allow urslf to go through it:p"....i guess that is the best thing...i guess relationships are the only things that can rip your soul apart yet make you feel absolutely beautiful!!!....sighhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

.....something unique!!!

...it is not often you meet people with whom u can vibe leave alone feel completely "yourself" with....most of us tag certain people as our best pals...but have you ever wondered whether the so called pals of urs really relate to you??...here by relate i mean..literally...not what you will call "understanding"...understanding according to me..is just a finer way of saying "putting up with!!"...a person who understands you might probably be one who loves you dearly and is craving to step into your shoes and see things from your perspective....but it is not all that easy...after all..everyone has his or her own defined thinking and unless they feel it deep down...you really cant make them see it...but whereas...when a person says he sees eye to eye with...or in other word relates to u...that feeling is somehow unparalleled....its not often we run into people...and when u really do one day...u feel at the top of the world...you feel like...calling all those people who mock at your views...blink when u think you are telling them something ingenious...and showing..."haa...see here is a person who is my alter ego!!!"...such feelings cant really be expressed..one has to go through it...sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
....

the oneness...
as i hear the trees rustling,
i am reminded of how mischievously you whisper in my ears..
as i look at the endless sky,
i am reminded of the unconditional love that pours out of ur eyes..
as the grass blades tickle my toes..
i am reminded of my shyness when i first saw u..
as i see the rain pouring outside..
i feel they are just tiny drops in front of the tears u have shed for me..
as i feel the texture of the red rose..
i feel the warmth of ur gentle palms..
what is this kind of comparison..??
is it coz nature is so beautiful that one is bound to bring about comparison??
or is it because i am in love??
i guess,it is because ur nature taught me how to love...
n luv in turn taught me to feel the oneness with nature......


ps:......one of ma own works...during a reallllllllllly boring emf class!!!!...yawn!!!!!!!!

....and this is precisely what i do when someone asks how lovely my best friend is!!!!....

...as i was taking a stroll in my terrace...i happened to glance at the the vast sky yawing above me...tiny twinkly stars sprinkling here and there.with the ever beautiful moon adorning it...tears welled in my eyes...in spite of the beauty of nature..i was pushed to a point where insecurity took hostages...thoughts and memories started playing hide and seek in my mind..making me feel more and more vulnerable...words choking at my throat..felt like breaking the ever rigid shell of mine and voice my mind..in vain...all these were a new experience all together..i guess i am still a tyro..i just dint know how to handle myself...go tired of people telling me that i am difficult..it is almost impossible to handle me or understand..my longingness increased by ten folds...due to certain changes that took place some time back i felt as if i was pushed in a maze...where i had no clue as to where i was..where i am heading...thoughts like have i done a mistake by trusting everyone i knew...as the quote says.."think a million times before giving your heart to someone..coz not only do the have the right to love you..but also the power to break your heart.."...i felt a vacuum deep down inside me...dint know why or because of who...i felt miserable for one minute when i thought about people i trust and contemplating whether they are worth it..and the next minute guilty for feeling soo..as i felt the angst...as i cried to myself... i got a call...with shaky voice i attend my friends call...she says.."hey..are you ok?..i just felt u were'nt..."...there...all my insecurities ..sorrows...pain...vanish into the thin air..tears struggle their way down ma face...this time not because i feel left out or lonely...but partly because i am overwhelmed by the love in her voice and partly because i have been such a fool to have felt lonely when i have her around...true sometimes we feel as if people have taken advantage of us..but that never should make us see others with doubtful eyes...world is full of lovely people(,,,tho noone can be as lovely as my best frnd!!:P)...soo lets not waste our precious time lamenting and worrying....just love everyone with your heart and soul...happiness will crave to be with you!!!

err...huh!!??!!

hey...why dont u start bloggin????...i have been asked this question so many times that...i thought...why not i strt blogging..n there i go..after three miserable atempts of trying to create a profile and forgetting the id..i finally managed to "begin" ma blog....feelin very proud...i was like...here i go.........."_________"....thats it...i am blank..i realised..creating a profile alone is not what that matters..i ll hav to say something..start something..share something...n was like "wat on earth???"...i just went blank...i got confused as to how to begin..leave alone what to begin or how to begin...then i thought..why not i post ma "blankness" itself as ma first post...soo here i go...guess it ll take some time for me to come out of the shell n share ma veiws....phew!!!!