'push theory'

Well, Its been two and half years now, and I have realized that these years, I have been cranky, pissed off, lonely(most of the times),desperate and maybe occasionally naughty n excited. But I cant recollect a single instance where i have felt the 'happiness' which I was soo accustomed to once.
Actually, the thought about the movie -"The Eternal sunshine on the spotless mind" made me think in these lines. I remember accusing the act in which Kate Winslet indulges. She goes to get all the memories attached to the love of her life "deleted" medically. I used to wonder how someone can ever do that. I mean, even if a relationship doesn work, it definitely doesn lose the value it had for the person. I almost used to be defensive then...
Now on after thoughts, I realised I am a kind of person who can live a lifetime with an emotion that i feel strong about. Soo intense that , i even dont need the other person to add fuel to the relationship, I can stay dedicated all my life single-handedly. It wasn long, before I realised that it isn exactly a healthy trait. I have got soo used to the illusion of having the person around, that i end up living a life with just the memories. I relate evry animate and inanimate things to them, have conversations with them in mind, and retaliate my own statements by lines which I know they will say , if they had a chance to hear what I had to say. So thus unfolds my little world, cut off from evry othr thing, comprising of me and just the other person..its soo magical, perfect and intimate that extricating myself from that world and relating to my personality otherwise becomes almost impossible...
Its at this juncture , that i decided to come with my push theory. I decided that, one day when I am shaken out of this "perfect world " of mine and made to face the perfectly imperfect world of others, I might not exactly have the strength to stomach it. So i decided I have to prepare myslf for that day..when I am not left shattered coz ths life that i led on my own way, with my own self, is nothing but a mirage... So in this theory, I am training my mind to think faster than my mind. I know it wont make sense to all..but what i am essentially tryin to do is, predict where all the mind will link or relate to that particular person or incident, and before the relation happens, i mentally push that thought that away. It might sound bizarre, but it might work. Its hard, it seems impossible because one has been soo accustomed to be a slave of the mind, that suddenly when you choose to reverse roles, it seems so baffling. Its only after consciously taking an effort to face the most difficult thoughts of mine, that i realize that almost everything I do or say or think or pray or type is linked to just that one person or thought. This is what they mean by the word zahir i think. The 'one thing' with which you cant afford to 'not notice'..its overwhelming presence almost chokes your life! !!!..
...Sighh........



PS: I just realized through the whole of my entry, where I wanted to emphasize on my power over my mind, i ended up getting dissolved in the thoughts about my zahir! :|
..i guess I might be successful 'pushing the thoughts' but forgetting something you feel soo intutively is a different story altogether!